41.5 / 45, 92% Go me still A-!
1) I’m counting this for Saturday because. After SYB time, met up with F to go see Joselyn Fox from RPDR!! K was there with another friend M, and we awkwardly danced. Another friend B joins our group and we have a blast! Tall leggy blonde was checking me out? most of the night. Or she managed to be in my line of vision most of the night. No guts, no glory. Aka what always happens to me, I awkwardly and pointedly avoid eye contact when I’m interested. Damnation for my love life. Doesn’t matter. We leave and almost see a fight, decide to hang out at B’s apartment. So I end my “Friday night” on a bed with four nerdy gay boys and we play Never Have I Ever and Hot Seat. Fantastic! Needless to say, I got home early morning and sleep into the afternoon. My luxuriously lazy life. I manage to go nowhere fast with any ladies (per usual) but have more gay boyfriends.
2) Bacon asparagus, self-explanatory and I have plenty for the next few days.
3) She texted me and said she left things on my porch. I was close to getting over her. I’m not sure we can be friends, but I was civil, if terse, when I could’ve been mean. I’ve spent too much time being the bigger person, as dickish as statements go, but it is what it is now. So fuckit. I managed my emotions and think I’m closer to fully moving on.
I’m cheating today because I can and also because I have lots to be grateful for today.
1) E & K meeting this morning was good. Like I said, we always have a nice time venting and talking about our personal and professional issues with work. Being able to plan, reflect, problem solve, and think critically about things at work with my leadership team is awesome. I work at such an amazing organization and really lucked out on life in that regard. My boss is one of the most supportive and fantastic leaders that I am so glad to know her. At this point in my life she’s my emergency contact. I feel really bad that she has to put her dog to sleep this week. That’s so hard and I wish I could do something or anything to help her 😦
2) I went to some presentations @ Lesley for one of my programs. It’s a girl’s program focusing on media and identity and college students basically learn a lot of theory before planning and executing activities for middle and high school students. It’s a powerful and life changing program and it was interesting to hear about the TAs, RAs, and alumni of the class talk about their experience. How many of them were and are continuing to struggle with the same issues they are learning and facilitating discussions about. How many found their voice, found their leadership potential, and how many are carrying their experience in this spectacular college course with them after college. One young woman made a comment that youth development work is social change. It helped reaffirm my belief and dedication to this work and some of my very deep values. Think One Person Can Change The World? Well, I am changing the world in my own way. Small changes now will help shift mountains later.
3) I came home early and got to do some internet and YouTube time. Here are highlights:
Found this on Buzzfeed, supercut of SF queer women and All the yummy queer womens I feel conflicted about objectifying butch women, but damn, they’re so sexy. Unf dimples + my favorite pictures are the smiling ones, which Buzzfeed didn’t highlight.
Supaman, Native American hip-hop/rapper who won MTV artist of the week
4) I miss living with S&V and we met up for hang out times. A mutual acquaintance T was hanging too, and she’s funny. Definitely changed dynamics, but we “conquered” a few episodes of American Horror Story. Much fun and I needs to make plans to hang with them more often.
1) Some Harvard grad students came to interview my boss and she invited me and K to join in. It was really interesting to be interviewed, and it seems like we’ve been doing quite a bit of it lately. It’s very interesting to talk with people who are passionate about the same types of causes and understand where we’re coming from personally and professionally. We talked a lot about partnerships between schools and the academic institutions that surround them, and Harvard’s position relative to our organization’s. I got a chance to speak on behalf of the org, and while I still have a lot of anxiety around speaking publicly, I get over it and settle into a very comfortable place. They were very nice and echoed a lot of what I hear about Harvard’s Ed. school – namely that the theory and the practice are not aligned, and the students want more hands-on work with young people. Work on it Harvard!
2) After that meeting, my co-workers and I did one of our “checking in” sessions where we don’t actually talk about serious things. We talked about accents, books, and cannolis, but for fun. I always enjoy these because we’re just bantering / stalling, but a great bonding moment to laugh and enjoy each others’ personalities. Afterward, I also got to check in more formally with two of my managers. One was difficult but necessary, and the other was not difficult but also necessary. I always feel better after one of those meetings and I hope my staff do too.
3) I got a very expensive head of cauliflower (stick to Market Basket) and while I was waiting for maximum roasted crispy beautifulness, there was lots of roomie time. Hanging with my roomies is always a good time. They love me so much and I love them too, we tease each other a lot and that is what I was missing in my last relationship. Teasing is how I relate to people, and my roommates know how to do it right. That’s the spot! I started asking about their own experience with dating online. I’ve had moderate success, but things haven’t been as easy this time around. I’m working on it, but I wonder if I’m not actually ready for my next relationship and that’s why it seems more of a struggle. Dunno, but my roomies were great. We watched some Alias and I had a nice gay night.
1) I just appreciated myself today for all the hard work I’ve been doing at work and trying my best to be thoughtful and shit. It’s paid off in how well tonight’s program went. My college students are running on auto, or I ask them to do anything and they do it. They are leading the program and I am merely assisting. It’s an interesting and weird feeling to not be the one solely in charge, it’s a little hard for me to let loose of control. But what I’m learning is that I can and nothing will go wrong. Everything I’ve done to prepare for this moment has been done and things couldn’t have gone more smoothly than tonight. I had time to clean up our supplies (even if I was panicking and trying to find other certain things), organize papers, panic some more because I thought we were out of a form we use, take pictures of some matches, check in with a whole lot more, practice some math and left-handed writing, and talk to a bunch of students about their work. It was AWESOME!
2) I bought my coworker some soup because she’s been sick. It was the least I could do and I hope she feels better soon. I like making sure people have food to eat and I think it’s been an issue at work that has helped me think more about food justice and the little things I can do to be more aware of my own food practices.
3) Oh! This morning I took some time to sleep in and I didn’t particularly feel bad about it. As the years have gone on, I realize that taking care of myself will help me be at my best for work. I sometimes worry that it will permanently affect my work ethic (in terms of if and when I have to leave my current job) or that it will affect the people I currently and previously worked with. Sometimes I still worry about what people think of me, but then I realize that what I do to be at my best (as long as I’m not hurting or interfering with anyone else’s right to do the same) is what I need to do. You do you (a la Autostraddle) has been my mantra for the last few weeks and its working much better for me lately.
Disney’s Frozen “Let It Go” Sequence Performed by…:
1) Breakfast with KCG was very successful! Schmoozing was anxiety laden, but A and B came up afterwards to talk and that helped a lot. The Mayor was at the breakfast and seemed to know who I was. I was invited to a hang out session with college peoples and I also have a new/old contact to another org in my city. I had met A at another community meeting earlier in the year but had forgotten (damn my inability to remember faces and names sometimes!!). It was ok though and her boss came up to us and said he recognized me. I wonder why I stand out so often. Bouncers at the club “come on, I remember you. Don’t need your ID,” friends of friends have told me they saw me out, neighborhood residents I walk by regularly say hi, my families out in the neighborhood do as well. I guess I’m fairly recognizable, but a few days ago I was feeling forgotten about, but not entirely forgettable. A weird dynamic where people could easily forget I’m around but if they’d ever spent a significant amount of time interacting with me, I feel like they wouldn’t forget having met me. Or something like that. On my way out of the breakfast, I even got semi-recruited to run for public office by some new city councilors. It reminds me of a year or two ago, one of my students wrote a piece on how I would be a good president because I have an interesting way of looking at things. I don’t think I will in the near future, but he got me to move from “no way” to “I’ll think about it.”
2) Because of the breakfast, I dressed up a bit and wore my painful but sick tan shoes. We did a four corners activity and I came out to the girls group and talked about my own body image issues. It was interesting and I tried to a couple of times before I finally said my piece for the night. All the grade school girls were very supportive and that I was “snappy” looking cute today. I felt awesome and it paid off. All my coworkers were like “oh hey” today. Lol. In the activity I noticed my stance of: looks do have an effect on how people perceive others, but personally, I think I have a very positive relationship with my body and my image. That’s how I came out and talked about my transformation. It was a good day at girls group.
3) Watched RuPaul’s Drag Race and I juts love the queens on the show. Speaking of body image and finding self confidence, RPDR has helped me finally be ok with who and what I am. It helped me rebuild my confidence to where I am now. This season is great, Dela is amazing and should keep winning competitions. Joselyn has really grown on me because she’s a cooperative and supportive friend. She’s also pretty funny. Bianca is still a funny lady, if not brutally honest.
1) Program went well because it seemed like they were just normal and I wasn’t giving extra engergy to add to the fire. R was bouncing everywhere, E managed to get some work done, and poor hungry R. It was weird to step back into that role and try my best to support ALL THE KIDS.
2) Lunch was great and I took a walk around the school and read some opinion pieces from the 5th graders. Lot of raw honesty there. My coworkers teased me about my new “eat food to gain weight” diet. So for lunch I told them “I’m going to try that eat food thing.” Yum meatball subs + I got to read over the National Geographic article about wild animals. Was expecting at least one hedgehog reference but meh. The documentary I watched on Netflix kinda spoiled the article for me, but I managed to make it into a writing assignment for the students I work with.
3) I got home and cleaned the poopyhedgiebaby and her wheel. Poopy baby is poopy but she snuggled me a bit and gave me her towel face. Adorbs.
All in all, today could’ve been out of a day in my life from last year…Weird and not at the same time.